how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
