I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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