I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
