Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
