I just cut my nipple shaving
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
