Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
