the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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