If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
