Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
