I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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