My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
