The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
