youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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