Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
