Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did I show you my penis last night?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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