The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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