My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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