if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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