This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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