I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
