Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
