I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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