the condom got lost in my hair
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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