Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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