Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
