Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
