An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Shame is for Republicans.
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