My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
