Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The air was thick with penises
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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