this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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