just come out here and I will go home with you...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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