I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
