Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
