what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
