hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
