i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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