In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
