i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
