goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
