Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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