Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
