Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is this like a preordered booty call?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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