Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
