i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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