at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
