I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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