pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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