im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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