Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
