I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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